


I Love You This Much

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-01
Updated: 2008-02-09
Packaged: 2019-01-19 19:26:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12416505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: This is the story of a boy and a girl. And a boy. This is the story of love returned and unreturned, of friendship gone dry, and of the things people will do for love. This is the story of James Potter and Lily Evans and Severus Snape.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

_I want you to know_  
I love you this much  
And I'm waiting on you,  
To make up your mind:  
Do you love me too?  


  
He was always touching her.   


  
Sometimes it was an arm thrown possessively around her shoulder. Other times it was a hand lightly touching the small of her back. Often it was simply his hand holding hers. And he was always leaning down to whisper something into her ear, his cheek brushing her curls, his nose touching her cheek. Now and then he would pull her into his lap, or run his hands through her hair, tangling his fingers in the curls. And he never went more than a few minutes without kissing her – her shoulder, or her hand, or her check, or her forehead, or most often, her lips.   


  
He was always touching her.  


  
And it made Severus sick to watch it. It made him sick to see that filthy, arrogant fool never more than a few feet from Lily. Severus loved to simply watch Lily. He loved to watch her brilliant, fly-away, crimson curls bob up and down as she talked with unending enthusiasm. She was always so animated, splaying her hands about, making face after face. Severus loved those faces, and he loved her uncountable freckles, and her tiny, white fingers, and her tiny, petite frame, and most of all, he loved those glorious green eyes, bright as candle flame, deep as pools of lake water, brilliant as heaven.  


  
But now he couldn’t watch her without seeing James Potter there too, with his fingers in those curls, and his chest pressed up against her small back as she leaned into him right where they stood, and her cute, little fingers occasionally jumping up to run through his unruly, ridiculous black mop, and his silly round spectacles and silly, stupid face holding the attention of those glorious green eyes.  


  
James Potter was always touching Lily, ever since they’d begun dating five months ago, and it made Severus positively _ill_. Even when Lily had stopped talking to Severus and had started to make a point of ignoring him over a year ago, she had given a cold shoulder to Potter as well.  


  
Until suddenly they were talking, and laughing, and chummy as Head Girl and Head Boy, and suddenly the school was buzzing with the latest and juiciest gossip – Lily Evans had _finally_ said yes to a date with James Potter. And then suddenly they were a _couple_.  


  
And he was always _touching_ her.  


  
After a few months of torture, Severus had trained himself not to look at his beautiful Lily. It had been the only thing he had left of Lily, looking at her. He never got to hear her talk to him anymore, or laugh with him; he never rated a dazzling smile from her anymore; he could never confide in her, or spend a lazy afternoon with her anymore. But he had still been able to look at her — until now. Now, when he traveled certain corridors and arrived to class at certain times, all in the name of not looking at Lily Evans, and not seeing the boy who always stood beside her, touching her.  


  
But it was inevitable that he would see her every now in then, that every once in a while, Severus would have to watch in sickening horror as James Potter rated a smile from Lily, and heard her laugh, and talked to her and confided her and god damn it, _touched_ her.  


  
And this was one of those inevitable, once-in-a-while moments. He had darted from Charms class as soon it was over, only to realize he had left the Potions book he had been writing in behind – and there was no way he could leave it there. As he approached the classroom, he heard voices, and laughter – her laughter . . . and his too, together, right inside the classroom. Steeling himself to keep his head low, nab in, grab his book, and escape without issue, Severus didn’t get past the doorway.  


  
Lily was sitting up on a desk, her small legs dangling off. It would have been a nice sight, if James Potter hadn’t been pushed up against her between her legs, his hands gripping her waist, her hands thread throughout his hair, and their lips pressed together. Couldn’t they have done this earlier when he was still out in the corridor, readying himself to come in, instead of laughing and talking? Did he really have to see this? Something in his gut twisted painfully.  


  
And then Potter had to be a git and make it all worse by lovingly trailing kisses across her jaw and down to her neck. Lily’s face rested atop his shoulder as his lips slipped across her neck without pause, and Severus could see her face clearly. Her eyes were closed, her checks were flushed, and her lips were parted slightly in a breathless smile. She was an angel in heaven. She _was_ heaven.  


  
It made Severus nearly ill to think that Potter had done that to her expression – and yet, seeing that face was bound to be the highlight of his day. And he found himself watching in a mixture of sickness and hunger, of repulsion and fascination. He just stood there in the doorway, in plain sight should either of the couple choose to take notice of him, watching as, to his horror, Potter’s hands managed to pull Lily’s blouse out from her skirt and slip under the white fabric.   


  
Lily pulled away from James for a moment, saying breathlessly, “We can’t do this here! What if someone walks in?”  


  
“That makes it all the more exciting, love,” was the quick reply James gave, before continuing to kiss her earnestly, and Severus fancied in revulsion that he saw Potter’s tongue slip into her mouth.  
  
“But James,” Lily tried again, and Severus could see it was taking quite a bit of effort for her to pull away from him, and even more so for her to keep him away, “it would be so _embarrassing_ if someone saw us –”  


  
“Kissing?” supplied James. “Say, that’s a brilliant idea!” and his lips were on hers once more. At first it seemed Lily would resist, but apparently it was too much, and she gave a little giggle of defeat and, while Severus watched with wide eyes, kissed him back, her hands wandering beneath his shirt.  


  
It just went on and on. How were they even breathing anymore? Severus suspected he could even grab his potions book from the nearby desk and be gone without either of the snogging duo any the wiser. Yet someone somewhere powerful hated him, and he was rooted to the spot.  


  
“James –” Lily began, when Severus saw Potter’s hands travel upward underneath her blouse. “– I don’t want to –”  


  
“We’re just kissing, Lils, I promise,” assured James between kisses, and, true to his word, his hands went no further than what Severus estimated was her ribcage. Relief flushed through Severus at the words, he didn’t want to imagine James and Lily –  


  
“You know I want to wait –” Lily tried again. And James laughed. Severus was dismayed. How could she honestly want to date that grimy, conceited, prat? But then James was pulling away from Lily slightly, and cupping her cheeks in her hands.  


  
“Until you’re married,” James finished for her, running his thumbs across her pink cheeks, and Severus could _hear_ the smile in his voice. “And I’m just fine with that. After all,” James face had turned slightly, and Severus could see his expression now, could see his cocky grin, and he silently seethed at the sight, “you’re going to marry me.” Lily laughed.  


  
“Is that so?” she asked, tilting her head and making a face at him. “And what if I don’t want to marry you?”  


  
“Bah,” James waved a hand in the air. “You have no say in the matter.” Lily rolled her eyes in exaggeration, and Severus felt a pang somewhere inside him. It was such a familiar gesture to him – yet it wasn’t for him. “And besides,” continued James. “Do you really think I would deflower you in the Charms classroom? What if Professor Flitwick walked in? Do you know how _embarrassing_ that would be?” Lily gave a little gasp and swatted James on the arm.  


  
“You are a prat,” she declared. He only grinned. And now Severus was _really_ ready to leave. The last thing he needed right now – or ever, honestly – was to listen to James and Lily flirt. It. Was. Revolting.  


  
“Trust me, Lils,” James murmured softly, his voice and face both suddenly gentler. “I could go on simply kissing you all day long. You know I love you, right?” It was so sappy Severus was sure he would lose his lunch. Why hadn’t he left yet?  


  
“Love you too,” Lily gave in brief reply, as the two had already begun kissing again. Soon Lily’s eye drooped shut, and Severus was locked in position, unable to turn away, watching them snog. And then, as James kissed her neck again, her face turned to Severus, and her closed eyes opened. And the green globes found his stupefied face in an instant, and their eyes locked, and Severus was helpless to do anything as she stared at him.  


  
Even if they hadn’t been friends in over a year, Severus knew in a second what the look on her face meant. Grateful that she would give him a moment to leave, that she wasn’t turning Potter on him – although Severus would have been happy to give a good hex to the bastard – he finally spun on his heel and sped far from the room. He would just have to get his book later.  


  
His classes were over for the day, and Severus soon found himself wandering to the Slytherin Common Room, and up to his dorm, and onto his bed. He lay there motionlessly, staring up at the ceiling, trying to recall the details of Lily’s hair, and face, and laughter, and desperately trying to blot out the accompanying details of James Potter.  


  
When Lily had first gotten upset with him and declared their friendship over, Severus had been angry, but sure it wouldn’t last. She had a temper, this had happened before. She would apologize; everything would be okay. Yet she did not apologize, she did not do anything but ignore him, and after a few months he confronted her, and she turned away from him point blank. And then he had been furious, and decided that he didn’t want her friendship. Not when she couldn’t accept him for who he was. Couldn’t she understand that he called her friend Josie a Mudblood but not her because she was different? Because she was better?  


  
Couldn’t she understand that nothing was as black and white as she made it out to be? It had made him fume, and after his unsuccessful confrontation with her that day over winter break, he returned to Hogwarts determined to treat her the way she insisted on being treated – like another worthless Mudblood.  


  
And then he had seen her eating breakfast, and he had watched her studying in the library with her friends, and participating in the huge Gryffindor snowball fight, and he hadn’t been able to stop watching her. It wasn’t long before he gave up trying to pretend he hated her. And it was clear as glass now that there was no way he hated her, quite the opposite really.  


  
Because lying there on his bed, alone in his dorm, he closed his eyes, and he could see Lily on the desk, he could see her breathless expression – but James wasn’t kissing her. He was. His eyes flew open. He had considered her his best friend for years, but he had never really thought about her that way . . . sure, he knew she was gorgeous, and he had noticed it more and more in sixth and seventh year . . . but still.  


  
It was painfully obvious now. And honestly, hadn’t it only been a matter of time? He closed his eyes again, but this time it wasn’t the kissing in the classroom he saw. It was James and Lily out swimming in the lake with that monstrosity Black, and the dirty werewolf, and a few of Lily’s friends, Josie something or other, and Gaby Fried-something. It was months ago, right before it turned cold, when Lily and James first began dating.  


  
And Severus could see vividly behind his closed eyes the sight of Lily in a modest blue bathing suit, being tackled in the water by a bare-chested James. And for some unknown reason, the sight of Lily running her hands across Potter’s chest was an even easier image for Severus to recall.  


  
He opened his eyes once more, and pushed himself to his feet, crossing the room to a dirty, full length mirror on the far wall. For what could have been two, three minutes, he stared at his reflection, at his sloping, slumped shoulders, sunken eyes, and sickly face. Slowly, he shrugged off his robe, and pulled his stained t-shirt up over his arms, tossing it to the ground. His chest was thin and pale; his arms thin as sticks, white and weak. He had no chest hair, he had no muscle – he might as well be a seven-year-old girl.   


  
James Potter had muscle. His chest was tanned and toned, had a layer of dark curls. What would Lily want to do with Severus when she could have James Potter? Severus flexed his arms. There was nothing to see. He rarely cared about appearance – Lily had never commented on the way he looked. She had never teased him for his small frame, pale face, and greasy hair, the way almost everyone else did.  


  
That was part of what was so great about her – she was better than all of them, she saw more to a person. Even as he thought it, Severus scowled to himself. He sounded like a little girl. It wasn’t bad enough that he looked like one, now he had to sound like one too. Of course Lily cared about appearance – she was a girl; didn’t they all?  


  
Yet at the same time . . . when had she ever acted as though appearance meant anything to her in anyone? What if she was only with Potter because she fancied him brave, because she had been misguided to believe him something of a hero? Lily had always held much store by bravery and heroism. If only he could show her that he was a better match for her than Potter. He knew she didn’t care about appearance, or about Gryffindor and Slytherin – if only he could make her realize that they were a good team, they had been since they were little children, and nothing else mattered.  


  
If he could just make her listen to him . . . maybe then . . . if he could make her see that James Potter was nothing more than a conceited, overdone lie, that he, Severus, would take care of her more than Potter ever could. . . . Severus quickly dressed, his mind set.  


  
He was always touching her.  


  
But if Severus got his say, he’d make sure James Potter never touched her again.  


* * *

“Er . . . Lils?”  


  
“Mmm,” Lily replied to her friend, not taking her eyes off the large book in front of her. She wanted to finish this essay this afternoon, and not have to worry about it all weekend. “One second,” she added, flipping a page in the book, her eyes not missing a beat and still scanning the lines, looking for a few more tidbits to tie the essay together.  


  
“Lily . . . ?”   


  
“One sec, Jo,” said Lily, taking up a Quill and quickly scratching out another line to her paper. It was already two inches longer than required; Sirius would tease her if he was here, but still, she couldn’t end it the moment it reached the mandatory length – it needed to have a proper conclusion.  


  
“Lily!”   


  
What _is_ it, Josie?” Lily finally exclaimed, looking up from her book and scroll, tossing down her Quill and glaring at her friend.  


  
“Hello Lily.” At the sound of his voice Lily froze, her eyes round as an owl’s. She looked pleadingly at Josie across the table, and her dark-haired friend shrugged helplessly in reply, twisting one of her bouncy, black curls around her finger.  


  
“I tried to warn you,” murmured Josie softly, purposely looking down at her own essay, and leaving Lily to deal with the boy behind her.  


  
“Is there something I can do for you?” Lily asked with a cool and detached voice, not turning around to look at him. Her mind was working faster than James’s new broomstick, the one he had rambled on and on about with unimaginable earnestness a few weeks ago. What could he possibly want? Was this about what he had seen a few hours ago? What could he possibly have to say? Was he going to apologize for being a terribly nosy git? He was lucky she hadn’t let James see him; he would have been beaten to a pulp if she had.  


  
“Can we talk?” he asked hesitantly. Lily glanced again at Josie, whose dark eyes met hers for a moment, and whose thin eyebrows rose on her forehead as if to say, _well, say something!_ But she offered no actual advice. Lily sent her a look to share her annoyance over that fact, before carefully picking up her Quill and returning to her essay.  


  
“What could we possibly have to talk about?” asked Lily after leaving him in tense silence for a moment, writing out another line as she spoke. “Perhaps you’d like to discuss your Peeping Tom habits?” It was a low blow, Lily knew, but she couldn’t help herself. She hadn’t heard or seen anything from Severus in months, and all of the sudden he’s gaping shamelessly at her snogging her boyfriend. How long had he even been standing there? It made something inside Lily hot and bothered.  


  
“I was hoping . . . maybe, we could talk in, you know, – private?” Again, Lily looked to Josie. This time her friend gave a reply, nodding her head to the library doors.   


  
“Go on,” she said softly, adding a small smile at the end. Lily returned the smile, before dropping her Quill once more and standing up from the table. Josie had been the only one of her friends who had never questioned her friendship with Severus when they were younger. Josie had been the only one of her friends who hadn’t pressured her to date James from day one. And Josie had been the friend she had told first when she stopped talking to Severus, and when she started dating James.  


  
“Lead the way,” Lily muttered to Severus, who, pushing back a greasy lock from his face and glancing uneasily at her from the corner of his eye, nodded his head and headed out of the library with a slight twitch of nerves to his step. Lily trailed uncertainly behind, all the way to an empty classroom.  


  
She jumped up onto a desk, crossing her arms over her chest and swinging her legs slightly. Severus only stared at her, his dark eyes unreadable. And Lily quickly became aware of her seating position, and what Severus had seen earlier. Her first thought was to jump down, but she didn’t want to make him aware of her position if he wasn’t already – instead she only cleared her throat and shifted awkwardly. “What is this about, Severus?” she pressed.  


  
“I wanted to . . .” He didn’t seem to have anything to say past that. Lily raised her eyebrows at him, staring him down. She hadn’t talked to him in months, and a small part of her was curious to know what he was thinking. What had he been up to lately? How was his home life? It had never been brilliant before. And then she remembered the friends he had. And she remembered reading the Daily Prophet that morning, and all the mentions of Death Eaters, and Voldemort, and mass killings. “I wanted to apologize.”   


  
“Apologize?” Lily didn’t try and hide her surprise. She hadn’t known what he would say, but that hadn’t even been on her list of possibilities. “Apologize for what?”  


  
“For a lot of things,” answered Severus, starting to pace anxiously, not looking at her. “For walking in on you and watching you the way I did – but for more than that too!” he added in when Lily opened her mouth to say something, stopping her before she could begin. “I wanted to say sorry for . . . alienating you, and for ruining our friendship.”  


  
Lily wanted to say something. She really did. But she was literally speechless. Months and months of nothing, and then _this_? What was he playing at, anyway? Was he even sincere? When he had first mentioned seeing her, she had been sure this was an attack on James – she had expected that to come a lot sooner. She had expected when they first started dating that Severus would protest. But he hadn’t . . . until now.  


  
“I mean, we were best friends for years!” he went on earnestly, finally turning to look at her, his face surprisingly bright. “And then, just because we had different friends, we stopped being friends. And it shouldn’t be that way!”  


  
“Severus –” Lily finally spoke up.  


  
“No, just let me finish –” he protested, but she did not.  


  
“Severus! We’re not going to do this – we’ve _already_ done this!” she exclaimed. “This isn’t just about your friends. This is about you. We were best friends when we were little, but we’ve changed – the both of us, but you especially. We have different beliefs, and different _lives_ now, it’s that simple –”  


  
“But Lily –”  


  
“I’m done,” Lily cut him off again, jumping down from the desk. She couldn’t help but wonder how him seeing her kiss James had triggered this, but she didn’t want whatever _this_ was to continue. It had been painful enough for her to watch her friend go over to the dark side, for lack of a better expression. But she had moved on. He needed to as well. “Goodbye, Severus.”  


  
“Wait!” he called out desperately, grabbing her arm to stop her from leaving the room. “Please, just listen to me!” Lily shot him an annoyed glare, her eyes darting to her arm and back to his face. He quickly released her arm as if it were on fire, and she brought it to her chest, rubbing it with her other hand. “Please,” he pleaded softly. “Just listen.”  


  
She should have just walked away. Every bone in her body was telling her to simply turn around and leave. But instead she gave a little sigh. “I’m listening,” she murmured, looking to him with a ready and open expression. He better not make her regret this.  


  
“You say we have too different beliefs,” Severus began, his hands nearly shaking, his eyes large and anxious, yet clearly desperate to make his point while she was willingly listening. “But not on the things that really matter!”  


  
“Severus,” said Lily, giving him a look of disbelief. She couldn’t help herself.  


  
“No, really! James, he’s the one with different beliefs, he –”  


  
“ _No,_ ” Lily interrupted sharply, her eyes flashing. “I agreed to listen to what you had to say about our friendship, not to listen to you have a go at James. If that’s all we’re here for, I’m going to dinner.”  


  
“He’s not good for you!” exclaimed Severus, looking a little shocked at his own outburst, but carrying on nonetheless. “You have to know that! I mean, you hated him when we were younger, what’s changed since then? He’s not good for you!” he repeated.   


  
And that quickly, Lily was furious. He had come to take a shot at James. For a single moment, for one brief, bright moment, she had really believed perhaps he had come to ask forgiveness for the stupid things he had been doing, and for the stupid people he had been spending his time with, and maybe, just maybe – but no. He had come here to insult James. He had changed since they were children, and he would not change back.  


  
“Don’t you get it?!” Lily fired out when Severus opened his mouth to speak again. “People _change_ , Severus! People grow up! They don’t stay ten years old forever and ever! They grow older, and they mature, and they come into their own beliefs, and they _change._ You’ve changed, and so has James. He played awful pranks when we were younger –”  


  
“It was more than that!” Severus cut in indignantly. Lily was not to be stopped. He wanted to talk? Fine, it was his turn to listen to _her_ talk.  


  
“But he grew up!” she plowed right on, her eyes aflame, daring him to interrupt again. “He was immature when we were younger, and he was arrogant. _But he grew up!_ He learned when enough was enough, and he became someone to be proud of. He’s a good friend to Sirius, Remus, and Peter, he’s been taking care of his mother since his father died, he’s ready to fight Voldemort, he’s a good man, and he’s not the boy he was. He’s changed! And you have too, Severus, but not the same way; don’t you see? James changed for the better, but you – you’ve become –”   


  
“Someone can’t change like that!” insisted Severus, his voice rising. Lily couldn’t believe this was really happening. She had imagined the conversation they would have about James before, she had wondered what Severus would say – she had always been sure he would eventually say something – but now that it was happening. . . .“James Potter is a conceited, foolish cad, and he always will be, Lily! Can’t you see that? Can’t you see how bad he is for you? He’ll only hurt you, Lily, he’ll only hurt you!”  


  
“He won’t hurt me, because he loves me!” Lily shouted, losing control, heat rising to her face in anger. “And I love him too! And no matter what you say,” Severus was shaking his head at her, “it won’t change that. I love him, Severus,” she held her voice steady now, her eyes locking with his, “I _love_ him.”  


  
“You can’t,” Severus whispered at first, before more loudly, “you can’t!”  


  
“Why not?” demanded Lily acidly, her whole face glowing in anger, her eyes smoldering, and her breath coming ragged.  


  
“Because he can’t love you as much as I do!”  


  
And Lily could only gape at him.  


  
“It’s the truth, Lily,” Severus went on quickly, as though to salvage what he had said, “I do love you; I always have. I may not have realized it when we were younger, and I may have taken you for granted – but I never will again, Lily, I promise you!”  


  
“Severus,” Lily shook her head. She wanted to be angry with him. She _was_ angry with him. She did not deserve to have this put on her. But the look on his face – the earnestness, the hopefulness – “I’m sorry, but I – I love _James._ ”  


  
“But he doesn’t really love you, Lily. Remember how we used to talk about the way he lusted after you, not loved you? I really love you, Lily, I’ll take care of you the way he never will! Please –” and his hands reached forward to grab her hands.  


  
She stepped out of his reach, still shaking her head.  


  
“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Lily told him, using all her might to keep her voice steady. She was eighteen. She was mature. She would make him realize how wrong he was. She would be civil about this. She would be kind about this. She would not lose control.  


  
“He leaves flowers on my pillow, and little notes in my books that say ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ and ‘you’re pretty’ and ‘you’re my everything’ and this is even after five months of dating. He calls me the most ridiculous names, I don’t know how he even comes up with them – Buttercup, and Bunny, and Peanut, and Beautiful, and Bumblebee, and Muffin, and – and the way he looks at me, no one’s ever looked at me that way before. And he never puts any pressure on me; he can always cheer me up –”  


  
“But he won’t forever!” persisted Severus. “I will, Lily, you have to listen to me – he _can’t_ love you the way I can. He _can’t!_ ”  


  
“But he does,” said Lily, and completely unbidden, tears sprang to her eyes, as if something inside her had finally broken. Was this really happening? Honestly? This suddenly? This quickly? “He does love me, and he’s honestly the sweetest, greatest person I’ve ever known, Severus, and you can’t just –”  


  
He didn’t let her finish, but grabbed her arm instead, and pulled her to him, pushing his lips to hers. For a moment Lily was frozen in shock, his lips pressed against hers awkwardly, before her hands rose to his chest and she shoved him away, staring at him in fury and disbelief, tears now streaming down her face, her anger completely surfaced, ready to rear its head at him. “What are you doing? God, Severus –”  


  
“What the –?!” Lily and Severus both whirled around to find Sirius standing in the doorway of the classroom, staring at them in shock. His eyes traveled from Lily, upset and crying, to Severus, looking desperate, and quickly fire built up in his face, and he spat angrily, “What are you doing, _Snape?_ ”  


  
“None of your business!” hissed Severus. “Get out!” and he turned back to Lily, and his voice softened, and he reached for her again, saying, “Lily, please, ignore him. He’s just as bad as James and he –” Lily pulled out of his reach again. Somewhere along the line her head had begun pounding, and she couldn’t think, and she didn’t want to deal with this right now.  


  
“No, Severus, _no!_ ” she shrieked. “I’m in love with James, and you can’t change that! I don’t love you! I’m sorry!” she cried. She didn’t know what to feel. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She had never wanted to do this to him; she didn’t want to see that look on his face. But she didn’t deserve this! She had never led him on; she had never purposely hurt him. Who was he to put this on her? How dare he?!  


  
“Lily,” he murmured softly, a plea still ringing in his voice and shining from his face as he reached for her and this time captured her arm. She attempted to pull away, but his grasp was tight, and she stumbled, banging her knee against the desk. And that was the final straw – Sirius stormed into the room.  


  
“Don’t touch her!” he roared.   


  
“Stay out of this, Black!” snarled Severus at Sirius, adding to Lily with a gentler voice, “Are you okay?” Lily didn’t answer; Sirius had taken a hold of her, and was pulling her way from Severus. Lily knew it couldn’t end like this -- that she couldn’t just leave Severus here -- that she had to make him realize that what she and James had wasn’t a passing thing, and he couldn’t change that -- and she had never meant to hurt him -- and he had no right to do this to her -- and she didn’t deserve to have this weight on her shoulders -- but Sirius was wrapping his arms around her, and he was shepherding her away, murmuring soothingly into her hair, “it’s alright, Lils.”  


  
“You stay away from her,” Sirius threatened Severus, “or Merlin, I swear I’ll . . .” he never finished the threat, but his tone of voice was enough.   


  
And as she left the room with Sirius, Lily looked back at Severus, standing there with slumped shoulders, his dark eyes wide and sad, and his expression lost, as if he couldn’t understand where he had gone so terribly wrong.  


  
**To Be Continued. . .**  
  


  
  
A/N: Originally this was simply a very long one-shot. However, there is apparently a maximum word length on chapters, so I had to split it into two chapters. The second half is already written and should be posted soon. Please review!  


  
Title derived - and the lyrics at the beginning - from the song "I Love You This Much" by Jimmy Wayne.


	2. Chapter 2

He hurried down the corridor bustling with students, ignoring them as they called out his name, even when they spoke of Quidditch. He was hungry for dinner, he had a downright appalling amount of homework to do, and he was unbelievably tired – but he couldn’t think about any of that right now. Not after what Sirius had just told him.  


  
He could see them sitting beneath the old willow, and he crossed the grounds toward them with long, hurried strides. When he was close enough to hear them, however, he stopped, suddenly wanting to listen before he spoke.  


  
“How dare he,” cried Lily, “how _dare_ he?! I mean, what did I do to deserve this – I’ll tell you what: nothing! I did nothing! And the way he was looking at me,” she ranted on, “as though this was my fault, as though I had personally offended him, and oh – Josie, I didn’t _mean_ to hurt him!”  


  
Lily was pacing under the tree, wringing her hands and looking caught between bursting into tears and screaming until eardrums all across Hogwarts were blasted. Josie sat on the ground with her back to the old tree, her arms holding her knees to her chest, her face full of concern as she listened patiently to Lily’s crazed, frenzied rant. “I mean, this is just – this is just _unbelievable!_ ” Lily exclaimed. She didn’t see James standing a few feet away, watching them intently, but Josie quickly took notice.  


  
Locking eyes with James, Josie asked an oblivious Lily, “but you don’t love him, right?”  


  
“Of course I don’t love him!” Lily replied, exasperated, “I’m in love with James, for Merlin’s sake! But no matter how many times I told him that he just insisted that I couldn’t possibly, really love James and, do you know,” Lily’s voice grew to the point of hysteria, “he actually kissed me – kissed, like, on the lips!”  


  
“So he did kiss you? Sirius wasn’t playing at anything?” James hadn’t meant to startle her, but when she turned to face him it was with a white face, a gaping mouth, and wide eyes. “And did he really hurt you too?” He couldn’t believe this was happening. As soon as he made sure Lily was okay, he was going to beat that slime ball until he couldn’t walk.  


  
“Oh, James, he–” and then she burst into tears. Quick as a dart, James pulled her into his arms and there she continued to sob, quickly soaking James’s shirt. Josie gave James an encouraging nod and discreetly stood and left. James murmured comforting words and sounds into Lily’s mane of dark red hair for a few more minutes, running his hand up and down her back consolingly.  


  
Slowly, Lily’s sobs subsided, and she sank to the ground, pulling her knees to her chest as Josie had done, while James sat down and let his legs lay sprawled out in front of him. Lily swatted at her eyes, a slight blush rising in her neck and ears as James calmly watched her, not saying a word but letting concern bounce off every feature of his face. His fingers were picking at the grass and pulling up blade after blade only to drop them and leave them lying sadly on top of the rest of the grass, their green colouring soon to leave them. Sirius hadn’t given him many details, though, granted, he’d run off in search of Lily before Sirius could give him many details. And now that he was here, he didn’t want to pressure Lily . . . and yet – what _had_ happened?  


  
“Josie and I were in the library,” Lily began after a pause, answering his silent question, “and Severus asked to talk to me in private. I had no idea what I would say, but I thought it only polite to hear him out. We haven’t talked in months and months, and the last time we did – well – let’s just say it didn’t end well.” She let out a frustrated and yet wistful sigh, and James took her hands in his, running his thumb over the back of her hand. It never failed to amaze him how soft her skin was, even on her hands.  


  
“He led me to an empty classroom, and he said he wanted to apologize for pushing me away, and for wrecking our friendship – and then the next thing I know, he’s telling me you don’t really care about me, and you’re no good for me, and you’re only going to hurt me, and then – that you can’t love me as much as he does. God, he _loves_ me. What was I supposed to say, James?”  


  
“I would make a joke,” replied James hesitantly, “but I can’t really think of a good one. I’ll get back to you in a few minutes.” It was the best he could do, and it managed to extract a weak smile from Lily.  


  
“I told him I loved you, and that I was sorry, but I didn’t love him, but he – he just wouldn’t listen. He kept on insisting that you were no good, and that he would love me more, and then he _kissed_ me. I pushed him away and that’s when Sirius walked in.”  


  
The words had hardly left her mouth before James asked rather worriedly, “When did he hurt you?” He couldn’t help himself. It was bad enough that Snape had to go and confess love to her, and kiss her, but to _hurt_ her? It made his blood boil at the thought, if that was even possible. James could imagine it was.  


  
“He didn’t mean to,” assured Lily, “and whatever Sirius said – I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as he made it out to be. He just grabbed my arm to keep me from leaving, and I pulled away, and the struggle caused me to bang my knee. It was nothing, really.”  


  
“Your right knee,” said James. It wasn’t a question.  


  
“How did you know?” Lily asked with a puzzled frown. “I can’t imagine Sirius was that specific,” she made a small crack at a smile.  


  
“There’s a bruise forming,” and James nodded at her right knee, her skirt right at the edge of a small dark splotch. Before Lily could say anything in response, James swooped down and laid a small, soft kiss right on the small bruise.  


  
“James,” Lily murmured, her hand reaching for his cheek and tears pooling in her eyes as she looked at him with something akin to adoration. It made James shiver. What sane seventeen-year-old boy really loved a girl? He did. Maybe he wasn’t sane. He was, after all, crazy about her. “You’re going to make me cry!” She let out a little laugh.  


  
“You cry, you laugh, make up your mind, woman!” James teased, before, “Is it,” he mockingly looked left and right before whispering to her, “ _that time of month?_ ”  


  
“James!” Lily squealed, smacking him on the elbow, but he only laughed in reply.   


  
“Was that a yes or no?”   


  
“I’m not going to dignify that with a response!” Lily proclaimed, pointing her nose upward, unable to fully hide the smile from her face. For a few seconds, the couple sat smiling contently, but it didn’t last long. “I don’t know, James,” Lily sighed, rubbing her temples, “I just don’t know what to even think. This is completely left field. What did he honestly expect?”  


  
“He was just being delusional,” James told her. “You have that effect on people.”  


  
“What?” Lily asked, puzzled.  


  
“Oh come on, Lily,” James grinned at her, “you know what I mean. You’re gorgeous as anything, astonishingly smart and amazingly talented, not to mention witty, passionate, funny and did I already say absolutely _gorgeous?_ You can’t blame Snape for losing complete control of his facilities when faced by that.”  


  
“You forget elegant and charming,” she reprimanded, her emerald eyes dancing, “and breath-taking would have been a good word to use,” she teased. “And next time, find a way to fit in great cook and good dancer.”  


  
“My bad,” said James, “I’ll be sure to catch those on the next go round.” Lily gave a little laugh, and once again silence fell, her smiling expression to melting away as she stared off into space. “I don’t know why he’s got me so upset. We haven’t been friends in years.” She put another smile on her face, “Let’s just forget it ever happened.”  


  
He hadn’t meant to say it out loud; he really would have been much better off simply capturing her mouth in a kiss. But it came out before he could stop himself. “You really do care about him, don’t you?” Lily started, her face immediately shining with confusing.  


  
“What? Who? Severus? I hate him, James. I hate that he thought he could do this to me and that he –”  


  
“If you really hated him, you wouldn’t be this upset,” insisted James. Now that he had started, he might as well finish. He had wanted to beat Severus until there wasn’t anything left of him when Sirius first rushed into the Common Room to tell him what happened, but he knew Lily wouldn’t want him too. And James would rather do what Lily wanted than anything else. How utterly un-manly was _that?_  


  
“No, James,” Lily shook her head, fear suddenly blooming across her face. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but if it’s that I have feelings for him, I swear that I don’t!”  


  
“I’m not accusing you of having feelings for him that way,” James assured kindly. “But you were friends for years, and that doesn’t go away – and it shouldn’t have to. He meant a lot to you at one point, and even if he’s running with a dangerous crowd these days, a part of you will always see him as a good friend.” That was deep wasn’t it? He hadn’t meant to sound that deep. James couldn’t help but smile to himself. That was pretty deep. He was pretty good.  


  
“But James,” said Lily almost pleadingly.  


  
“That’s okay, Lily. I may not like him,” he gave a chuckle at his own words, “but I respect that he’s always been . . .” he couldn’t help but make a face as he said it, “ _good_ to you – in his own, special, Snapey-way. Oh, and I hope you know how much it took me to actually say that.”   


  
“Oh, I’m sure it took a lot. It was very big of you, James,” she teased softly, her eyes lighting up in that way that literally made him worship her.  


  
“I think so, I daresay I even deserve a reward, don’t you agree?”  


  
“Hmm, I think I might just happen to actually agree with you on that one . . .” she replied, her arms already coming up around his neck and pulling his face toward hers. James had told her earlier that afternoon that he could kiss her all day. He wasn’t kidding. It had to be one of his top five favorite things to do – that, and play with her hair, listen to her laugh, simply talk to her, and of course, Quidditch.  


  
After a few minutes of kissing, they wound up with James sprawled out across the grass, Lily looking like an angel where she sat straddling his hips, her red hair glowing just like the setting sun behind her, her eyes alight, her cheeks flushed, and her lips telltale of their kissing.  


  
“Do you ever think we’ll be friends again?” She spoke at a near whisper, as though the words she spoke were a sin in themselves. James was caught off his guard. When he had first begun pursuing Lily back in forth year, he had been honestly baffled by her friendship with Snape. But in the months they’d been dating, he’d learned that Lily knew how to look deeper than skin, and if Snape had been able to make good with her, maybe he wasn’t _that_ bad. Although hell would freeze over if James ever admitted it. He and Snape would certainly _never_ be bosom buddies, or anything close.  


  
“You and Snape?” James replied after a beat. “Sure, if he just drops those jerks he’s been spending time with. And if you teach him to use shampoo, he can even come by our house every now and then. Though,” James took on a pensive expression, “I still might not be too happy with him touching the kids. I might have to put my foot down there. He can stand as close as five feet to them, but that’s it.”  


  
“James!” gasped Lily.  


  
“Fine,” James rolled his eyes,” I suppose he can shake the boys hands or something manly like that – but not the girls! I won’t bend on that one, Lily, I won’t! Over my dead body will he come near our daughters!” Lily laughed, and James delighted in the sound, a cat basking in sunlight.  


  
“Back to talk of our impending marriage, are you?”  


  
“Impending?” James repeated. “So you admit that we will get married?” He gave her a toothy grin, “I knew you’d come to see it my way, Clementine.”   


  
Again, Lily laughed. “Okay, where do I start?” she asked, her tone attempting a reprimand but failing. “First off: Clementine? Honestly, James?” A single ginger eyebrow rose on her white forehead.  


  
“I love clementines!” replied James incredulously. “They’re tasty and nutritious – just like you! Well, I don’t know if you’re _nutritious_ , per say, but you’re certainly–”  


  
“Don’t finish that sentence!” Lily shrieked, her shrieks turning into laughter as James tackled her, his hands going for her stomach as he flipped her over and landed flush atop her.  


  
A few minutes later found them lying breathless and happy. James was about to go in for another kiss, when she once again spoke in a whisper, “do you really think we’ll get married some day?”  


  
Propping himself on his elbows, James looked down at the gorgeous girl lying beneath him, the one he had been mad for since they were fourteen, the girl he would do absolutely anything for, the girl he adored in every possible way. “Yeah,” he murmured, not making a joke, not teasing. “I am going to marry you someday, Lily Evans. And then, where ever I go, you’ll be by my side, and when we meet someone, I’ll say to them, ‘Hello, my name is James Potter, and this is my wife, Lily Potter.’”  


  
“Lily Potter,” Lily repeated at a whisper, nearly reverently. It was enough to raise James to cloud nine. But when she went on, it was with an accusatory tone, “'And this is my wife'? What, will you own me then?” James wanted to laugh at how terrible she was at hiding her grin. It was rather endearing, really.  


  
“Don’t be silly, darling, I already own you.”  


  
“I’m being silly?” she repeated. “You’re the one who honestly thinks you’re in control, when, let’s face it, I own _you_.”  


  
James smirked mischievously, whispering huskily, “I’m happy to be owned by you, Lily.” A brilliant shade of red bloomed across Lily’s cheeks as James finally stumped her. It had grown much darker in the last couple of minutes, but James was close enough to still see every feature of her face, even down to each little freckle.  


  
“If we’re lucky,” James continued, his voice becoming light once more, “our kids will have my arguing abilities and not yours,” he grinned lavishly, “but of course they’ll have your intelligence and beauty. They’ll be turning heads the moment they arrive at Hogwarts, Peanut. Scratch that, the moment they’re _born_ , people’ll point out those amazing Potter kids.” He earned himself another soft laugh.  


  
“And how many of these amazing Potter kids are we going to have?”  


  
“Ten,” James answered, not hesitating for a moment. Lily burst out in loud laughter now, and James was sure the whole grounds could hear, if anyone was still outside. That was just fine with him, as long as they knew the owner of that laugh was _his_ and he wasn’t letting anyone else have her.  


  
“And you’re carrying around for nine months, going through painful labor, and giving birth to a number of these ten children, right?” Lily said, going for a stern voice.  


  
“Find the spell that does that and I’m all over it. And that’s saying a lot, Lily, me giving up alcohol for nine months – but for our babies, I’d do anything.” With Lily laughing beneath him, James went on, “and act now on this special offer, and I’ll even let you pick out the names! All except James Jr. There is definitely going to be a James Jr., and you cannot change my mind.”  


  
“I suppose James could be a _middle_ name,” Lily teased.  


  
“No. No. I refuse to accept that. You will not destroy my dream of James Jr. Unless you’re thinking of naming the kid James James, that is.”  


  
“That’s the best you can come up with?” Lily taunted. “James James? You can’t possibly come up with a better name than that?”  


  
“Ohoho, well, can _you_ , Missy? Or can you dish it but not take it, huh, Evans? Come on, what names have you got to offer up?”  


  
“Harry,” Lily answered without even thinking. “If we have a son, we’re naming him Harry. I love the name.” It was teasing at first, but she added after a moment softly and seriously, “Do you?”  


  
“I think I could work with it,” said James. “Yeah . . . Harry Potter – I like it! Ooh, Harry _James_ Potter! Nice! But mind you, that’s in addition to James Jr. And what is this about _if_ we have a son? Our first born will obviously be a son!”  


  
“How do you know that? How do you know we won’t have ten girls?”  


  
“I’ll put in a special request with my sperm . . . and wear warm boxers. It’s fool proof.”  


  
“Oh, I see,” Lily said, attempting unsuccessfully to keep from laughing.  


  
“And then, the second baby will be a girl, so when the boys come a calling after our little girl, Harry can help me go after them with shotguns and –” He wasn’t able to finish, as Lily had pushed her neck up and crashed her lips into his, grabbing at his hair.  


  
When they finally came up for air, it was for him to tell her before she could get a word in, “I love you, Lily; I love you more than anybody has ever loved anyone. You’re my whole world, and it might be cheesy, but I don’t give a damn, because I love you.” James couldn’t say it enough. “I love you, Lils.” It sounded so right, it tasted good in his mouth, and it was music to his ears, and the sight of her reaction, the sound of her echoing reply, sent him over the edge.  


  
He kissed her again with everything he had. And Lily kissed back with just as much fire. This was how it was supposed to be, she thought distantly, this was how kisses were supposed to be. And neither of the two noticed the slumped figure that watched them from a distance; that could just barely make out their intertwined, vertical figures across the quickly darkening grounds. The figure that turned away in anger and sadness, and swiped at tears he was ashamed of but couldn’t help.

* * *

  
He had done a number on his own pride for her before.  


  
For years, he had humiliated himself again and again attempting to gain her attention. And even though he always laughed it off in public when she turned him down, and all the other boys knew not to go near Lily, they still thought he was a little pitiful, chasing after this one girl. No one had ever said as much – besides Sirius of course, who had said it as often as possible – but James knew it to be true. He hadn’t minded too much though.  


  
He was willing to embarrass himself for her.   


  
He had stooped so low for her, he had pleaded with her and he had turned down the offers of a dozen other girls, all for her. He had taken quite a beating to the heart waiting for her to love him too. But even with all that, this was about to be the largest wound he had even inflicted on his own pride in her name.  


  
He could still walk away now. Snape hadn’t seen him yet. He could still turn and flee, salvage his manliness and no one would be any the wiser. But even as he thought it, he knew he wouldn’t. This was Lily, and his pride would take a hit or two for her.   


  
“Hey, Severus,” he greeted. It was the first time he had ever called him by his first name. It tasted wrong on his tongue.   


  
“What do you want?” was the accusing reply he received. Letting out a nervous laugh, James stepped further into the Potions room, where only Snape was present, standing among a number of steaming potions, his nose deep in his grimy potions book.  


  
“Just dropping into say, you know, hi. So . . . how’s your day been so far? That Charms test was a woozy, wasn’t it?” he gave another nervous laugh, attempting his hardest to pretend this was a normal setting and a normal conversation.  


  
“Whatever joke you’re trying to pull,” Snape replied, finally looking away from his book to sneer at James, “don’t.”   


  
James gave a grin, as if Snape wasn’t looking at him as though ready to kill. “No joke . . ., but actually, you’re right, I’m not just here to say hello,” James admitted.  


  
“Shocking,” Snape deadpanned, already turning away from James again, and picking up his Quill to write something on the inside of his Potions book.  


  
“Well then, the reason I’m here,” James went on hesitantly, “is because I actually,” another laugh, “if you can believe it, I need – I need your help.” He raked his hand through his hair.  


  
“You need my help?” Snape repeated, not looking up from his book. But the Quill was stationary over the page, and James knew he held Snape’s full attention.  


  
“That’s right. I’m failing Potions – I mean I’m doing great in Transfiguration and in all my classes really – but in Potions, whew,” James made a face. “So I was hoping you might be able to give me a hand, give me a few tips, you know.” He gave another grin. He could do this. It wasn’t that bad. _Keep telling yourself that, you git,_ a voice spoke up in his head. It sounded oddly like Sirius.  


  
“And why couldn’t you just get help from your girlfriend?” Snape asked, straightening up and dropping his Quill to give James a piercing stare.  


  
“That, ah, that’s a good point. She’s pretty brilliant at Potions, isn’t she?” James gave yet another nervous laugh, not able to hide a note of pride from his voice. After all, Lily _was_ great at Potions.  


  
“She is,” Snape answered tersely. “Which brings me back to the point of what do you _really_ want?” For a moment James merely stared at Snape, who did not break his gaze. But no way was James going to be caught in a staring contest with Snape. He turned twelve a while ago, thank you very much.  


  
“Guess I better just go for broke then,” James sighed, breaking eye contact with Snape to push himself up onto a desk, his legs dangling off. It made him think of Lily in the same position, and he smiled a little to himself before going on. “Look man, I’m here because of Lily.” He looked over at Snape without any sort of smug smile, or smirk, or grin, praying Snape would take him for real. Because for the first time in his life when it came to Severus Snape, James was being real.  


  
“You were a good friend to her for years, and she’s never going to forget that. You’ll always mean a lot to her. And she means a lot to me. So I just figured we might as well make peace with each other – for Lily.”  


  
“Make peace with each other?” Snape echoed, not showing any emotion and leaving James to puzzle over what his was thinking. James stuffed his hands into his jean pockets.  


  
“Yeah,” he answered, “you know, not hex and insult each other at every possible opportunity. I mean, I’m not saying we should be friends or anything,” he made a face at that, “but we could be, you know, civil to each other. Decent, I guess,” he finished, adding after a pause, “for Lily’s sake.”  


  
What Snape said next shocked him. James didn’t know what he had expected Snape to say in reply, but whatever hazy idea he had was no where near what came out of Snape’s mouth. He’d thought he’d done a pretty good job in his explanation. And after all, wouldn’t Snape want to do something for Lily too? Apparently not.  


  
“Get out,” Snape hissed at him, suddenly furious.  


  
“W-what?” James asked, his brow furrowing, “seriously?”  


  
“I don’t know what you’re playing at, Potter,” spat Snape, “but I’m not interested. If you honestly think you can manipulate me using Lily’s name, you are sadly mistaken. Get out, _now._ ”  


  
Fury building up inside him, James jumped from the desk and crossed his arms over his chest, looking at Snape with disbelief and great dislike. “You still think I’m trying to pull something on you? God, Snape, grow up. This isn’t about you, it’s about Lily, and I’m just trying to –”  


  
“I should grow up?” Snape scoffed. “I’m not the one with the maturity of a three-year-old,” he said. “And as for doing this for Lily, don’t even try and pull that on me. You don’t care about her; you’re going to drop her the moment another girl walks by, don’t think I don’t know how people like you work.”  


  
“People like me?” James repeated with a low voice. “What, people who know how to use soap? And how _dare_ you accuse me of not caring about her,” he snarled. “You have no idea what shit your spitting. I come here to make amends with you and you have to–”  


  
“I don’t have to make amends with you,” Snape sneered, “you and Lily won’t last past graduation. You’re no good for her, and she’ll realize it before long. You’re nothing more than an arrogant prat, whose strutting and bragging will get you no more than an early grave.”  


  
James let out a humorless, bitter laugh, throwing his hands up into the air in exasperation, letting them land on his head and curl around fistfuls of hair. “I honestly thought if she had once been friends with you, you had to be decent enough. And for some cracked up reason, I really believed you cared about her enough to want to do something for her instead of for you,” James said, shaking his head. “I should have just come and beat you senseless for coming on to _my_ girl instead of –” he let out another bitter laugh and threw his hands into the air again, “whatever the hell it is I was delusional enough to think I could do!”  


  
“You’re girl?” repeated Snape, his lip curling. “She won’t be you’re girl for much longer. She’s better than you, James Potter, and before long, she’ll realize it too. Do you really think she loves you?” Snape let out his own humorless, bitter laugh, and James imagined he could hear the oil in his voice. “You’re right, you are delusional.”  


  
James only shook his head. He should have known nothing good would come of this. He should have known that no matter what Lily might have seen in Snape when they were younger, there was a good reason she didn’t count him as a friend anymore. But after yesterday, after how upset Lily had been, he had wanted to do something for her, he had wanted to fix this all – he should have known Snape would always be _Snape._  


  
“She loves me, alright,” James finally replied, his voice cold and rough. “And she’ll never love you. No matter how many times you tell yourself otherwise. I thought you’d at least be willing to go for her friendship if nothing else, but I guess I was wrong. I won’t be seeing you around, Snape. And stay the hell away from my girlfriend.” And with that final declaration, James made to leave the room with shoulders back and head held high.  


  
“As long as she’s with you, I don’t want anything, including her friendship,” Snape shouted angrily at James’s back. James stopped in his tracks, his hands curling into fists. “As long as she’s with you, she’s nothing more than a shallow slut, and when she realizes that’s all she’ll ever get from being with you, she’ll –” He never got to finish, as right at that moment, James slammed his fist into Snape’s face.

* * *

  
Severus ducked out from under another punch, blood spurting from his nose. He didn’t even see her gaping in the doorway. He lunged for his wand, whirling around on James even as James reached for his own wand. “ _Sectumsempra!_ ” he shouted. James stumbled backwards, his wand falling from his hand and clattering to the ground, a large gash running the length of his chest, his white-collard shirt and blue sweater quickly becoming soaked with blood.  


  
And for a single moment, Snape was triumphant. For a single moment he felt a rush of adrenaline and power. He had known insulting Lily, however untrue it really was, would rip straight through the self control Potter had been maintaining. James Potter was nothing more than an overdone fool. Lily would realize that soon. For a single moment, Severus felt good. Then he heard her scream. “JAMES!” Lily rushed into the room, falling to her knees even as James stumbled back against a desk and sunk to the floor, curling around his chest. “Oh my –, James, James, talk to me!” She pressed her hands to James’s chest in a poor attempt to stem the blood flow.   


  
Tears were already streaming down her face. “James!” Severus only gaped as Lily attempted to lift James to his feet and failed, as his blood was smeared all over her hands and arms and blouse and skirt. What had he done?  


  
“Lily . . . ?” he said, his voice barely above a strained, horrified whisper. She would despise him after this; she would never forgive him: she _hated_ violence. What had he done? Suddenly Lily was turning on him and asking his very thoughts, with tears pouring from her eyes in rivers down her red face, venom mixed with the fear that swirled in the green beneath the blur of tears.   


  
“What have you done?! What did you do to him?!” she shrieked. “Look at him! What did you do? _What did you do?!_ ” But before he could answer with more than a stupefied stutter, she had her back to him once more.  


  
As petite as she was, she hadn’t been able to get James off the floor, and now she had her wand out and was muttering spell after spell in growing hysteria. Nothing she said had any effect on James, however, and as Severus watched her there sobbing and screaming, covered in her boyfriend’s blood, he felt disgust for himself wash over him. _What had he done?_  


  
He had to do something, he had to fix this. He had to make this all better – and he would win Lily’s thanks, and he would make up for this terrible disaster. He had to fix this – but how? Lily was rocking on her heels now, her bloody hands covering her face as she muttered something inaudible. “I’ve got it!” she screamed out suddenly, wide-eyed and nearly crazed. Grabbing her wand from where she had dropped it a moment ago, she quickly began to mumble a spell, waving her wand up and down the length of James’s gash.   


  
To Lily’s ragged breaths of relief, James’s skin seemed to sew itself back together. Severus watched on in with mixed emotions: fearful this would not work, worried of how Lily would despise him if it did not, but still rather upset at how hysterical this was making her, and even a small, vindictive part of him felt rather disappointed. He would have to learn the spell that she used; he couldn’t let something like this happen again, let it get so out of hand. Lily attempted to swallow another sob, and seemed to choke on it, her small frame still shaking.   


  
He wanted to help her; he wanted to do something – but what? Struggling as she did so, she attempted once more to pull a white-faced James to his feet. Though he gave a grown as he did it, James was apparently strong enough now to help in Lily’s struggles, and they succeeded in getting him standing, his arm thrown around her shoulder as he leaned heavily on her. Severus approached her to help further, but stopped in his tracks when James coughed out, “I’m okay,” and smiled palely at Lily, his face deathly white and his eyes rather dulled.  


  
“I know, you’re okay,” Lily said, her words punctured with another sob, “we’re going to the Hospital Wing, and you’re going to be okay . . . you’re going to be okay. . . .” And Severus was left to simply watch the couple once more, not kissing this time, but stumbling from the room, both covered in blood. The moment before they disappeared into the corridor, Lily’s face turned toward Severus. Her dark green eyes stared straight at him from her pale white face, her own bloody handprints imprinted on her cheeks, tears running tracks through the red smudges.  


  
And what he saw in them he had never seen in all the years they had been friends and in all the years they hadn’t been friends. It was what he had feared the moment she shrieked out Potter’s name. It was unadulterated hatred. And then they were gone, and Severus fell into a chair, stunned, confused, ashamed, and simply tired.  


  
He expected someone to come after him, perhaps a professor, perhaps Black or Lupin. But no one came. He was left to simply sit there, trying to remember when he and Lily had been the best of friends, and the name James Potter had triggered mutual disgust. But all he could remember was Lily telling him she didn’t love him, and Lily kissing James Potter, and Lily sobbing and covered in blood, and Lily staring at him as though he had morphed into Satan.  


  
How could he have gone so wrong? How could he have let things get this bad? Perhaps he had been too blunt with Lily, perhaps he should have gained her friendship again, and then he could have been there for her when James hurt her, as he inevitably would, and then, then Lily would finally love him the way he loved her. But it was all lost now. The way she had looked at him. . . .  


  
After what could have been a few minutes and could have been a few hours, he slowly stood. Mindlessly he let his feet carry him from the room and down the corridors, until, to his own shock, he found himself walking to the Hospital Wing. He stopped in the doorway, staring at the sleeping figure on a bed twenty or so feet away.  


  
Remus, Sirius, and Peter had all pulled up chairs around James, and Lily was sitting on the bed beside him, running her fingers through his dark hair, and running a hand down his cheek, and smoothing out his blankets unnecessarily, all as if in a need to do something, _anything,_ with her hands. She had washed her hands and face, but her blouse was still drenched in red. She didn’t appear to care.  


  
What would he say to her? What could he possibly say to her? How much had she seen of his conversation with James? Had she only walked in on time to see him hex James? – or had she been privy to most all of the conversation? Severus didn’t know which was worse.  


  
When he had called Lily a shallow slut, it had merely been to anger James. He knew Lily was nothing of the sort, and he would never dare truly accuse her of it. But he wasn’t going to let Potter walk away with the last word. He wasn’t going to let the git go to Lily and tell her how he had been the bigger man, and had gone to Severus with an olive branch, only to be turned away with malice. Severus wanted Lily to see James for what he was – a bully.  


  
And it had all gone wrong. “You have nerve, coming here.” Severus had been so lost in his own thoughts he hadn’t even seen Sirius take notice of him and approach him. His face looked murderous as he stood in front of Severus now, glaring at him with his arms crossed over his chest. From the corner of his eye, Severus could see Lily watching them from James’s bed.  


  
“Is he okay?” was all Severus could think to say, hoping Lily would hear his concern.  


  
“He’ll live,” Sirius replied bitingly, “no thanks to you.” Severus looked at the ground, shamefully. He could feel Lily’s eyes on him. “Get out of here,” Sirius barked, his hands literally shaking. It was a wonder he hadn’t attacked Severus yet. “And don’t come back, you bastard.”   


  
He should have listened to Black, he should have walked away. But he couldn’t help himself. “I need to talk to Lily,” he said hesitantly, pleadingly, as disgusting as it was for him to admit.  


  
“She doesn’t want to talk to you,” answered Sirius immediately, vehemently.  


  
“But I need to explain to her what happened –!” Severus broke out rather desperately. He didn’t get very far, as Sirius cut him off with words dripping in disgust, dislike, and disdain.  


  
“She knows what happened. She wanted to find James, I told her he had gone to talk to you, and she walked in on your conversation just in time for you to shoot James down, insult her to provoke him, and hex him.”  


  
“That’s not how it happened,” Severus argued weakly. “It wasn’t that simple.” But he was fighting a losing battle, and he knew it.  


  
“Yes, it was. Yes, it _is._ Get out.” Severus had intended to fight his way into the room and apologize to Lily, convince her to listen to him and accept his apology. But before he could even begin to push Sirius out of the way, James woke up, right before Severus’s eyes.  


  
Lily let out a shriek of delight as James moaned and alerted the room to his now-conscious state. She immediately threw her arms around his neck and laid a kiss on his lips. He let out what looked like a painful laugh. “Don’t hurt his newly healed chest, Lils,” Remus teased. Lily looked a little ashamed as she pulled away, but she was still delighted nonetheless, a smile lighting up her whole face.   


  
“I love you,” she told James immediately, as if afraid he didn’t know it, cradling his hand in hers.  


  
“I love you too, baby,” James replied, bringing their intertwined hand to his face and kissing her hand, before his head sank tiredly back into his pillow.  


  
“Get out,” Sirius repeated, drawing Severus away from the couple, “before I punch your sorry ass straight to hell.” Severus didn’t even try and think of something to say in reply. He only turned on his heel and stalked from the room. He barely got ten feet, however, when he heard her call his name.  


  
He whirled around to face her in surprise, unable to stop the hope rising in his chest. Her hair was an angry tangle and her eyes were bloodshot, but Severus had never thought she looked prettier. He didn’t care about James Potter. His life would be easier if the bastard was dead. But he cared about Lily, and he couldn’t stand the sight of her sobbing, and looking at him with that utter hatred. Maybe if he could get her to forgive him . . . maybe he would take up James’s offer. Even if it was just another of Potter’s ploys to gain Lily’s affection, Severus would make it real.  


  
And then she slapped him. Her hand was cold and rough across his cheek, biting worse than skin deep, searing him. She didn’t say a word; she only turned around and walked back into the Hospital Wing.   


  
She didn’t have to say anything.   


  
Severus knew it didn’t matter if his chest was small and pale. It didn’t matter if his hair was greasy. It never had. It wouldn’t matter if he was the most attractive guy in the world. Lily didn’t love him, and after this, he had no chance of bringing her around. How did it all go so wrong?  


  
“Mr. Snape!” Professor McGonagall shrieked. Severus said nothing. He had known this was coming. “I have been looking for you,” the Professor was red-faced, her eyes blazing, and her voice was cut to kill as she stalked toward him from the opposite direction of Lily. “What you did to Mr. Potter was unacceptable! Absolutely _unacceptable_! I do not care what he may have done to provoke you, nothing could have been worthy of that response! _Nothing!_ If it had not been for Miss Evans’s quick thinking. . . .”   


  
Severus listened to her scream and shout without moving, without speaking, without doing much of anything at all, and soon she was joined by Slughorn, who, although he did not shout nearly as much, sentenced him to a sickening amount of detentions. Eventually, after Professor McGonagall was finally rendered speechless by her indignation and could do no more than take, loud, angry breaths and glare fire at him, Severus was sent to go and think about what he had done.  


  
He hurried back to his dorm room, not stopping to talk to anyone about anything. He flopped onto his bed and buried his face in his pillow, his mind burning with images of the last two days. The stinging in his eyes followed soon after, and he let it come. Before long he was sobbing into his pillow. It was all wrong. It was all so completely wrong. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. She was supposed to love him too. But she didn’t. She loved James. And he had lost any friendship he could have had with her. She didn’t love him. He had lost her. She didn’t love him. He had lost her. _She didn’t love him. He had lost her._

* * *

  
“Do you feel okay? Are you comfortable? Does this hurt your back?” she asked worried question after worried question. Her face was animated in an adorable way.  


  
“I can’t believe you managed to find me a _wheelchair!_ ” exclaimed James, laughing despite himself.  


  
“Come on, mate, did you expect any less from our lovely Lily?” Sirius laughed, walking alongside the couple as Lily wheeled James down the corridor to the first class of the day in the wheelchair she had pestered Madame Pomfrey to find.  


  
“If you had listened to me and stayed in the Hospital Wing another day –” Lily began.  


  
“I hate the Hospital Wing, Lils!” whined James. “And I’m just fine, really. This isn’t necessary. If I could just –” and he attempted to stand up. Lily shrieked out an indescribable sound, immediately stopping him. “Lily!” James sighed, laughing in spite of himself once more and shaking his head.  


  
“Give up, Prongs, it’s useless,” Sirius recommended, smirking at his friend’s predicament. “I’ve got to get all the way down to Potions; I’ll see you two later. Take it easy now, Jamesie-poo, and take care of our boy, Lily!”  


  
“I will!” Lily called out after him as he walked away, ignoring James shaking his head sadly and Sirius laughing. “Are you sure you feel up to going to class?” Lily turned back to James. “Because if you want to go lie down. . . .”  


  
“Actually,” said James.  


  
“What?” Lily gasped, immediately alarmed. “What is it? Where does it hurt?” James did not reply, but curled his finger at her, gesturing at her to come closer. She bent down, bringing her face towards his. “What is it? What –?” James cut her off with a kiss.  


  
When she pulled away, she was a little pink in the cheeks, and James looked extremely pleased with himself. “Was that really necessary?” Lily asked, shaking her head at him, but smiling nonetheless.   


  
“Of course it was, I’m a wounded man, I deserve a little loving,” he winked at her, before giving a dramatic sigh. “Alright, nurse, wheel me away,!" Apparently he had come to terms with his helplessness. Dutifully, Lily took hold of the handles of the wheelchair once more, and wheeled him down the corridor. When her red hair finally disappeared from view, Severus stepped out from behind the statue of armor he had been so stupidly hiding behind.  


  
She didn’t love him. He had lost her. And she did love James. And he would forever be touching her. Refusing to dwell on it any longer, refusing to cry another tear for Lily Evans, not after he had cried himself bloodshot and dry last night, Severus turned in the opposite direction of the couple. He headed back to the Slytherin Common Room, where a small gathering of sixth and seventh years waited. Lucius Malfoy’s head was talking to them from the fireplace, and Severus quickly forgot about Lily.   


  
He didn’t care about her.  


  
He didn’t care when she spent the rest of the week fussing over Potter, even if the boy did manage to ditch his wheelchair by lunch. He didn’t care when Potter sealed a Quidditch victory with a romantic, back-dipping, wolf-whistle-inducing kiss with Lily on his broomstick in front of the entire school. He didn’t care when he passed by Lily on a day no different from any other day and the sunlight fell across her from a nearby window, making a small ring on her left hand twinkle up at him mockingly. He didn’t care when James announced with a certain amount of glee six days later, at graduation, that he and Lily would be married by this time next year.  


  
He didn’t care about her. He didn’t care that he was always touching her.  


  
Here he was, on the train leaving Hogwarts for the last time, never to return, and he did not care if it meant never seeing her. He didn’t care about her. He never wanted to see her again.  


  
“Severus?” His head snapped away from the train window to look at her. The phrase his father had used to say, _Speak of the devil_ suddenly came to mind, almost cruelly. He hadn’t heard her come into his compartment. He was alone, and he had been lost in thoughts – and now here she was, his thoughts come to life, standing timidly in the doorway.  


  
“What do you want?” he asked bitterly. Lily didn’t speak at first, only teetered in the doorway, and Severus wanted nothing more than for her to leave. And yet . . . and yet . . . why was she talking to him? She hadn’t talked to him since March, and now it was June and – but he didn’t care. She didn’t love him. He had lost her.  


  
“I wanted to say that I’m sorry for ever hurting you,” Lily finally admitted rather bravely. “I’m sorry that we grew apart, that our friendship was ruined. I’m sorry that you became who you became. I’m sorry that you can’t accept the most important person to me, even when he tried to be civil to you. I’m sorry that everything went so wrong.”  


  
_Damn it,_ he didn’t _care!_ “What do you want from me?” demanded Severus, slipping his shaking hands under his legs, hoping she wouldn’t notice.  


  
“I want you to be happy.”  


  
“I am,” he snarled. Lily nodded her head, not saying a word, before turning and leaving. The door slid shut behind her with a loud bang.   


  
He was always touching her.  


  
And it made Severus sick to watch.  


  
_How ever long it takes,  
I'm never giving up,  
No matter what,  
I love you this much_  


  
**Fin.**  
  


  
A/N: There it is: the other half. This chapter covered two important bases: making sure there was no doubt Lily belonged with James all the way, and showing a more final, no-going-back crack between Lily and Snape than what is presented in DH. How'd I do?  


  
Review? ;)


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